But what if I still hate my body?
Loving your body certainly doesn’t happen overnight. It’s a slow, sometimes painful process.
I’ve been thinking a bit lately about the term “toxic positivity” and how it’s playing out in my life. Toxic positivity is defined as “dismissing negative emotions and responding to distress with false reassurances rather than empathy.” In the same way that diet culture can be toxic, the constant messaging of staying positive can cause someone to think it’s okay to push off how they really feel, which doesn’t bring us closer to any kind of healing.
Recently I realized the alarming ways I’ve let toxic positivity create the narrative around my body and health. When I have moments of insecurity, sadness, and frustration, I’m quick to cover it up by telling myself “my body is beautiful” and “I look exactly how I’m supposed to.”
But what if my ankles are still killing me from the weight? What if I’m frustrated by how winded I get walking up the stairs?
Like any scenario where you bottle up your emotions, someday the cork on that little bottle will explode, and the bubbly will end up all over the floor.
Recently I asked a close friend to take some new headshots for my site relaunch (I guess this is a cute way of letting you know that I’m in the process of redesigning my website), and the entire process was excruciating. Not because of him, he did an excellent job. No, it was all me. It started out with a few days of hyperventilating about what to wear. When I finally landed on a modest black dress that made me feel relatively confident, we took the photos. And despite how absolutely gorgeous they came out, I couldn’t help but think wow I have fat arms.
This is where I finally realized I let toxic positivity take control. Because between thoughts of shame and anger at how I looked, I was telling myself that I should be past all of this, that I’m the girl who literally tells people to take care of their body and nurture it, that I shouldn’t possibly still be struggling with this when I write about the science of nutrition and bodies all the time.
Should. Should. Should.
I seriously hate the shoulds in my life. The moments where I’m not living up to the expectations of myself and others. I hate the shoulds I set for myself when it comes to my body. I should love my body all the time. I should be happy with the weight. I should be eating a healthy diet all the time. I should feel confident about who I am.
And yet, I’m here to tell you that I still have moments where I dislike my body. Often.
If this is also your story, I want you to know that you’re not alone. That we are not meant to be perfect at this.
I’m focusing on body neutrality
Unlike body positivity, body neutrality allows me to simply name the facts as they are. Instead of saying “I love my body” you would simply say “I have a body.”
This practice of stating facts to my body has actually been beneficial for me, bringing me to a place of gratitude and in some cases, genuine positivity. The facts help me to actually see my body for what it is and all the incredible things it can do.
For example, I have natural brown beach wavy hair that responds really well to salty ocean water. I have a face that isn’t too acne prone. My arms easily lift 12-pound dumbbells when I work out. My hips provide a cushion that sometimes acts like another set of arms when I need to open doors when my hands are full.
These are facts that have slowly given me the ability to see my body for the amazing thing it currently is. But it's a practice I have to turn to again and again, because without it, my ability to be thankful for my body gets a little rusty — like a musician who hasn’t picked up their instrument in a while.
I’m being honest about the things that make my body feel good.
I’m nearing closer and closer to my 30th birthday, and I admit, the big change has given me the chance to take stock of my life. I’ve been blaming it on my Saturn return, but truthfully, the astrological event has simply served as an excuse to allow myself to finally be who I want to be. And right now, that’s allowing myself to be a yogi.
When we first moved to Brooklyn, I fell in love with a yoga studio just two blocks from our tiny apartment. It’s not a hot yoga studio - it’s the kind that burns incense and chants three oms to start and end every class and lets you lay down in Shavasana for longer than you would expect. The ages and physical abilities of the yogis range rather broadly, and I love it. A yoga studio for all.
But our budget couldn’t afford regular classes, so I stopped going.
In recent years, I’ve not only allowed the excuse of my budget to hold me from returning, but also this idea that “yoga isn’t enough of a workout.” If I want to truly be healthy, I need a variety of fitness exercises in my week. Yoga was only meant for the days I was feeling lazy.
But recently, in the middle of an intense workout, I realized I was just done with it. Done with burpees. Done with plank jacks. Done with butt kicks and knee highs and whatever other cardio burst the ladies on the screen tell me to do.
Deep down, I just knew I was meant to be a yogi. I dreamed of always going back to that studio. So I signed up for a membership, and now I go three times a week.
This revelation has made me realize how empowering it is to listen to what I really want. What I really want is to stop drinking alcohol because it never makes me feel good and I don’t actually always love the taste of it. What I really want is to stop eating dairy completely because it gives me sharp stomach aches and I don’t have to eat it just to make someone else happy, or to seem “flexible.” What I want is to actually have a nighttime routine where I wash my face and floss and snuggle up in bed and read until my eyes droop, and not zone out in front of the TV.
I feel like my life is at the tip of my fingers, but I’m not actually allowing myself to live in the ways I desire. To live in the ways that feel good.
So I guess I’ll end with this - what’s true about your body? What actually makes you feel good? And what are the “shoulds” you need to peel off in order to actually live the life you want?
This recipe here is for all of my friends who love to start celebrating fall on September 1. Even when it’s 84 degrees, sunny, and humid outside, you guys are dedicated to making sure the season changes quickly. And while I am a summer girl through and through, I do get excited for all of the fall cooking that is about to happen. Roasted squash and pumpkin pancakes, spicy chili and cheesy casseroles…the food, at least, will get me excited about the weather getting colder. It means my oven can finally be on for a period of time before my kitchen turns into a sauna.
Anyways, if you can’t wait any longer, here’s a pumpkin loaf recipe I recently worked on.
You know, the kind that you usually like to get at Starbucks? It’s just like that. This loaf recipe comes together really easily, and pairs well with a cup of coffee in the morning or tea in the afternoon.
Also, not sure if I’m the only one here, but does anyone else spread cream cheese on their loaf slices? I do that for this pumpkin loaf, as well as my mom’s zucchini bread, and it’s just so good. Let me know in the comments below if you also do it — or decided to give it a try yourself.