Gaining weight and wisdom.
Regaining the weight I lost brought me surprising clarity on my health.
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CW: This essay talks about my feelings regarding gaining weight and overcoming cultural bias around thinness. If this is a topic that is triggering for you, feel free to skip it—and scroll down for a yummy recipe!
In 2019, I wrote an essay about losing weight without dieting...then I gained that weight back. And all I wanted to do was hide.
Now mind you, this was during a global pandemic. Lives were upended. The world was grieving. Between political discourse, social injustice, deadly variants...our bodies experienced stress beyond belief. We know weight gain can easily be a result of stress separate from nutrition and exercise habits. Even sleep plays a big role.
And yet, by growing up with stick-thin cover models on glossy magazine covers setting a precedent for what I “should” look like, it’s frustratingly easy to believe that the weight gain was my fault. That I did something to cause it, and I should have been strong and capable enough to prevent it.
Did my eating habits change while I was stuck at home? Was I moving less? Yes, of course. I enjoyed the comforting foods from my home that now felt so far away, and I loved mixing up delicious cocktails to enjoy on the never-ending Zoom happy hours. I settled for happiness and found moments of stress-free bliss, like sunny afternoons in the park, long hikes on the weekends, even moments huddled around an outdoor heater in the dead of winter with my COVID “bubble” sipping on wine as we tried to maintain a semblance of community. I paid less attention to myself and more to others. And then I started kicking myself for it.
Through tears of frustration, I spoke to my doctor hoping for some kind of solution—and, quite honestly, expecting some reprimanding. I thought I would receive comments about my BMI number, or how I should “just eat a healthier diet.”
But surprisingly, I was met with a grace I didn’t expect. My doctor actually told me that I was healthy, that all of those other important numbers looked great (blood pressure, cholesterol, etc.), and that I didn’t have anything to worry about. “Just keep doing what you’re doing,” he said.
This life-altering doctor’s appointment brought me to the realization that maybe this is the body I was always meant to have. That the natural fit for my body was a curvy physique, and that I should quit trying to fight its natural state. I shouldn’t be so scared to step back out in public again, even if it does mean looking different to my coworkers and friends two years later.
A few essays I read recently helped me realize that I’m not the only one going through this. Emily McCombs from the Huffington Post wrote a deeply honest essay about her feelings towards going back to the office, and her bravery struck me. Even when you come to a place of feeling comfortable in your body, there still is anxiety around people’s perceptions of you. Like you don’t have it “all together.”
Another essay written by Milena Rangelov on Medium shed that same light—that you’re not alone if you gained weight, and in many cases, it’s likely healthy that you gained the weight back. A healthy body doesn’t always look perfect. And sometimes striving for “perfection” isn’t actually healthy at all.
I loved this pull quote of hers: “Our relationships with our bodies are abusive and that has to stop.”
This same thought process was my clarity moment, and a practice that I’m still applying to my body even today: treat myself like I would to my closest friend.
I wouldn’t talk so negatively to a friend, or scrutinize every single detail. I would find them to be beautiful. I would focus on all of the amazing qualities that make them unique and lovely.
I feel like I’ve finally come to a place of taking care of my body for the sake of keeping it healthy and happy. I love eating nutritious foods and exercising my body in ways that feel really good. Doing it out of punishment just isn’t an option anymore. My body goes through enough stress as is—clearly.
If breaking free from dieting is a new concept for you, here’s more on how toxic diet culture poisons our thoughts around nutrition and wellness, and how to give it up for good.
PREVIEW: What’s better to concentrate on for your health—the quantity of food, or the quality? Sydney Greene, MS, RDN will be sharing her insight in an exclusive Q&A next week. Upgrade your subscription now so you don’t miss out!
So I’ve been typically finishing off each month with a “roundup” newsletter, but I decided to condense it. I’ve actually been writing less at work and editing more stories, so I realized that...I don’t actually have too many things to round up! So here are a few long reads and recipes I’ve saved this month.
What You’re Feeling Isn’t A Vibe Shift. It’s Permanent Change. (Buzzfeed News)
I Ate Like The Longest Living People In The World—And I Feel Amazing (Eat This!)
Do I Really Need to Tip for Drip Coffee? (New York Times)
Quitting Facebook Changed My Life (Paul Greenberg, Medium)
Is Diet Writing Over? (Vogue)
Potato Leek Quiche with No-Roll Crust (Joy The Baker)
Milk Bread Croissants (The Woks of Life)
Millionaire Gnocchi (Pinch of Yum)
Oat Waffles (The New Baguette)
Notepad for Peace, $18, to support the humanitarian crisis in Ukraine. (Appointed)
Tangerine Ricotta Toast
The toast is as simple as that. Bread. Ricotta. Tangerine jam. Pumpkin seeds. Are we done here?
Alright, probably not. For the sake of actually having a blog, I guess I'll write a few more words for you. But that doesn't take away from the incredibly simplistic nature of this breakfast. This ricotta toast is a tasty one—perfect for those busy weekday mornings, which I have been in desperate need of this week.
Now the tangerine jam on our toast is homemade. Seriously, not joking. My husband and I made a fresh batch of this jam a few weeks ago, and it's by far my favorite thing right now. Who knew jam was so easy to make? (My grandmother-in-law, that’s who). We made this Tangerine Jam recipe from Meike Peters out of her book 365: A Year of Everyday Cooking and Baking.
We didn't can our jam—we knew we were going to start using it right away. So we just put our batch in glass jars in the fridge and I've been spreading it on pretty much everything. Oat waffles? Yes. Crepes? Yes. Fresh sourdough bread? Clearly.
Here are all of the random things that were on my plate this week.
Where I went: Bowlero Chelsea Piers, GoldBar, FIELDS
What I ate: Beatnic Chicky & Fries—best plant-based nugs I’ve ever had!
What I watched: Cheaper by the Dozen on Disney+
What I’m reading: The Song of Willow Frost by Jamie Ford
What I’m listening to: Dumbledore’s Office on YouTube